Have you ever been afraid to express your joy? Sometimes the greatest joys are those that can’t be held, and the only way to keep them near is to let them be and simply experience them.
It was just before noon when Sam walked the bike up the gravel driveway.
“How was it?” Shouted his dad from across the yard. He was working on the tractor again but paused, flipped up his welding mask and waited for Sam’s reply.
“Good,” Sam shouted back, happily tired.
“Just Good? I thought it would be cool or great or maybe even out of this world,”
“Yeah it was,” agreed Sam, keeping his joy subdued.
There were no words that Sam could summon which would convey to his dad what he felt inside. It was a feeling of wholeness, as if everything within him was in agreement, free of fear or torment. But he couldn’t tell his dad that. This experience was the kind that always seemed to remain on the next page of a good book or around the next bend in the road. Sam glimpsed it but it wasn’t his to hold on to and he couldn’t convey it to anyone.
Sam let the essence of awareness buzz around him and linger inside of him and he knew that trying to hold it would destroy it. He didn’t want to loose it by explaining it away or sharing it with someone who didn’t love it freely for what it was. Sam was afraid that his dad, or anyone, would break it down into whats-its and whys-its and it wouldn’t be whole anymore and if it wasn’t whole and wasn’t just out of reach, it wouldn’t be the same experience, it wouldn’t be true.
Sam was afraid that if other’s tried to understand his truth, they would dilute it with their opinions and their own impressions and it would bleed out of him drop by drop and the passion and love for what he had just found might slowly, insidiously be siphoned out of him. Sam didn’t want to loose it so he selfishly guarded it by letting it be free from explanation. This was Sam’s pure, untainted experience and he chose to hang on to it and he chose to greedily keep the emotions pulsing in his veins alone.